Staying True to Yourself: Learning to Lead From a Place of Identity
I loved my years in student and college ministry. Those were some of the most relationally full seasons of my life. There were constant texts, drop-ins at the office, last-minute lunches, and long conversations that stretched well into the evening. Around the holidays especially, it seemed like there was always a line of students wanting to talk, catch up, or just be together. I enjoyed every bit of it. It was not a burden or an annoyance. I genuinely loved those young people and the energy and affection that came with leading them.
What I did not realize at the time was how much of my identity was quietly being shaped by all that attention. It felt good to be wanted, needed, and noticed. I never would have said it out loud, but some part of me assumed that kind of response was normal, maybe even necessary.
As I grew older and my roles changed, the fanfare faded. Ministry was still full of meaningful relationships, but the late-night texts, spontaneous hangouts, and holiday meetups were not nearly as common. And somewhere in that quieter season, God began to show me something I had not seen. I had come to depend on approval more than I realized.
The Lord used that shift to anchor me in something deeper. Two books were especially helpful during that time:
• Enjoying Intimacy with God by J. Oswald Sanders
• Gentle and Lowly by Dane Ortlund
Both reminded me that in Christ I am fully loved and fully accepted. Scripture gives us this same assurance.
“See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are.”
1 John 3:1 (ESV)
Nothing can separate us from that love (Romans 8:38–39). We are saved and kept by grace, not by performance or the approval of people (Ephesians 2:8–10). I did not need to perform for God or for anyone else to be secure in Him.
A mentor once told me, “It does not matter if you please the whole world if you displease Jesus. And if you please Jesus, it does not matter if you displease the whole world.” That sentence has steadied my heart more times than I can count.
Another part of staying true to myself has been learning to receive help. There was a long stretch where I did not see how defensive I could be when someone tried to speak into my life. I assumed people were critiquing me when many of them were simply trying to help. Maturing has meant learning to listen. Now, when someone cares enough to offer honest insight, I want to pay attention. Their perspective is often a gift, not a threat.
One safeguard that keeps me grounded is inviting two or three trusted people to speak truth into my life. When I give them permission to name blind spots, it helps me stay clear and centered. Proverbs reminds us that wisdom listens to counsel (Proverbs 12:15), that faithful are the wounds of a friend (Proverbs 27:6), and that iron sharpens iron (Proverbs 27:17). A simple 360 assessment can reveal patterns we tend to overlook.
I have also learned to notice sincere affirmation. Sometimes the things people consistently see in us are reflections of how God has naturally wired us. Scripture tells us that we each have different gifts according to the grace God has given us (Romans 12:6) and that the same Spirit works uniquely in each person (1 Corinthians 12:4–7). There is real freedom in leaning into how God made us instead of trying to imitate someone we admire. God wants us to be who He created us to be.
My hope is that all of us learn to lead from a place of identity, not performance. Staying rooted in Christ and open to honest feedback is one of the best ways to become healthier and more faithful leaders.
Reflection Questions
Where do you tend to look for approval in ministry?
What changes in your life or role have revealed places where you depended on affirmation?
Who are the trusted people who can speak honestly into your life?
How well do you receive feedback from those who are trying to help you?
What affirmations have others given you that might point to God’s natural wiring in your life?
Where might you need to embrace the truth that you are fully loved and accepted by God?